Just feeling a bit hopeless and wondering if the choices I have made over the past 3 years were the right ones...
In the past three years my life changed dramatically and it was all the result of my decisions.
So far I felt really good about those decisions but I am suddenly doubting.
I see myself as a clever person with quite some experience in many fields. I do enjoy sharing my experience and never feel as satisfied as when I am able to help someone with a chat or advice based on what I have experienced in life. I do get a lot of recognition for it and that already used to happened before I moved to London.
When I moved to London my life completely changed in many ways. The most changing event was me falling in love in a way I had never experienced before. Since I drove my life with my love interest in first place which was a first for me.
The feelings I had when it happened were surreal for me as they were for my partner. I realised how you could suddenly get so crazy about someone that your head or your rationality would never even get involved. I was shocked to be feeling like that. My world was shaken. I began to believe into fate and started questionning my former beliefs. My lover felt the same. We were both feeling like victims of fate and as much as we were trying to fight our attraction we fell for it. And we started a realationship. We started the best relationship on earth. Love was at the center and communication was not a medium but just the thing we loved most. We both thought we had met our soulmate and felt happy beyond anything.
Two years after all I can say is that I am in a relationship with an amazing man. He is not perfect (but I am not either, from far) but he is able to reflect on his actions and be quite realistic about his mistakes. He accepts most of my shortcomings rather well and is understanding whenever I get into crazy moods. I think that I am making lots of efforts in order to be part of his life and really thrive to adapt. But it is more than 2 years since "fate" made us meet and falll in love and then get into a relationship. Then I used to be number one or at least number two in his life. Then I used to be more desirable than anything existing in the world. Whatever the way I looked, whatever I would be wearing, Whatever I would say, whatever would have happened in the day, he would be completely interested and aroused by me. And the same would happened for me.
A bit more than 2 years from that and here we are leaving together. I do really love him and don't doubt about his love for me. BUT. And there is always a BUT, isn't it?! It is not the same anymore. Everydays life has taken over and desire has declined... There are so many reasons for us to be tired... so many reaons to choose cuddling over sex. If I was to really go for it I know he would be game. If he was to really go for it I have no doubt that he knows I would be game for it. But most of the time we both don't do it and feel quite like the other one should have done it and go to sleep with a little bit of contempt.
Icannot blame him and he cannor blame me but is this what we changed our lifes for? No!
I feel very disappointed. About myself, about him, and about life in general. He saved my life by giving me a purpose but I now feel like I might not be up for the challenge of having a realtionship past the passion. I feel loved and I am very impressed by my bf's behaviours. I am now questionning my abilities to live past passionand wonder if my fate is to actually live by miself with lots of friends around and meaningless lovers instead of a life-long lover/boyfriend/husband.
I know I have been for a long time keeping m y love life to a minimum but I used to love it. Falling in love the way I did was uncalled for. I wasn't even prepared to it. It made me extremely happy and when I got a sight of what I was then in position to realise I was losing I hurt like never before.
My story then had a happy ending in the way that what I was never even hoping for happened. Talk about sleping beuty and snow white! I got something even better than what they got!
I know that everyday's life is supposed to take over. Well it is not enough for me. Iwould rather be on my own than be nhappy with my man who would rather sleep than show me passion.
This is not what I signed for. I am completely cray or should I stick for passionate love?
Shall I break upwith my soulmate who became too muchof a friend or shall I stick to the closest soulmate I ever met....
You tell me - I need advice from your experience.
x
